There are so many things I want to tell you.
But I also know you need to learn some things on your own, through trial and error.
I guess the biggest challenge for me will be to let you make mistakes, when I know something may go wrong but the lesson will be good for you – like putting your right shoe on your left foot or letting you do laundry on your own and shrinking a load of clothes.
We all need experience, life lessons, to reinforce and tattoo certain things on our mind, our psyche…
I want to tell you my greatest fear is that my words, actions, or choices will leave a smudge on you I cannot diminish with any amount of time, love, and attention.
I cannot say sorry. Sorry is not what this is about. I just want to tell you I love you and I am constantly evaluating my actions and choices before I make a move.
Have you ever felt like your life
is pulling at each of your limbs, stretching you out by each hand and each foot, in every opposite direction, each limb being pulled toward some responsibility or some thing or some person needing your time and energy while you feel as if your limbs are going to snap?
I sort of feel that way or at least that is the best analogy I could think of right now. I am sick and have been for the past week and a half so I’m tired.
Yet im also tired of feeling like I’m waiting to see what happens and keeping promises I only hold with myself. Promises that result in a Bilateral Agreement of Self—
if x happens then I can do y; but if x doesn’t happen I need to do z.
I keep things in and don’t tell anyone.
Things bother me. But I refuse to let anyone know. Why? Because I don’t want my problems to transfer to anyone else. But it happens, it always happens.
Somehow, I end up sharing whatever is happening and people get pulled in to the mess that is My Life. I love the people in my life… But I can’t make find a way to make it work. My life isn’t mine, and hasn’t been since God gave me a child. Yes i want things for myself but oh well.
dealing with an Ex is never fun or easy. Knowing you have to deal with them for the next 18 years at least, is less fun.
Throw into the mix the temperament of the selfish child I’m trying to co-parent with, I feel like I’m going nuts.
Do I know for certain if I made the right choices?
Life – especially Painful Experiences – Change You.
So when I’ve been told I’ve changed and asked what happened to me, I sit silently. Sort of baffled…
What didn’t happen to me, why wouldn’t someone change from the things I went through?