Bending until I Break

All, Living, My Thoughts, Theory

Have you ever felt like your life

is pulling at each of your limbs, stretching you out by each hand and each foot, in every opposite imagedirection, each limb being pulled toward some responsibility or some thing or some person needing your time and energy while you feel as if your limbs are going to snap?
I sort of feel that way or at least that is the best analogy I could think of right now. I am sick and have been for the past week and a half so I’m tired.

Yet im also tired of feeling like I’m waiting to see what happens and keeping promises I only hold with myself. Promises that result in a Bilateral Agreement of Self

if x happens then I can do y; but if x doesn’t happen I need to do z.

I keep things in and don’t tell anyone.

Things bother me. But I refuse to let anyone know. Why? Because I don’t want my problems to transfer to anyone else. But it happens, it always happens.

Somehow, I end up sharing whatever is happening and people get pulled in to the mess that is My Life. I love the people in my life… But I can’t make find a way to make it work. My life isn’t mine, and hasn’t been since God gave me a child. Yes i want things for myself but oh well.   image

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Tension 

Dear Diary, Living, My Thoughts, Theory

I hate arguing and raised voices.

My childhood memories include a lot of arguing being heard from my bedroom.

I’m not good with tension and arguing with people. It’s like my brain shuts down when it’s overloaded with tension.

I have no Fight-Or-Flight after a while — just flight as a form of self-preservation.